Divagando Devagar

Divagações ocasionais de uma mente reflexiva.

2009 22 dezembro, 2009

Filed under: Meu Querido Blog...,Rotineiras — INEFFABILE @ 2:33 pm

2009 was an amazing year. It was overall challenging in many aspects of my life. I had my character tested to the full and many of the beliefs I had about myself changed gradually along the year or simply dissolved overnight.

When I say 2009 was a challenging year I do not mean only in the negative sense that the word challenge denotes. Often a challenge is a difficulty or an obstacle that lies on one’s way waiting to be overcome. Mind you though, happiness can also be challenging for once you feel it you do not want to lose it. So, while happiness may be everyone’s ultimate goal in life, when it suddenly strikes you it is hard to believe it came to stay and nothing would take it back from you. The feeling of potential loss causes a lot of pain and although it hurts badly, it is a mistaken impression because the foundation of the fear comes from the mind (suppositions) and not from real facts. To overcome my fears was my biggest challenge this year.

For me, 2009 was the year of awareness. I believe I became more aware of the world but above all, I became more aware of my feelings and of my needs. In some situations, I felt like I was being pushed to extremes of my feelings, creating a commotion in my mind. Many things seemed at times out of place and to be honest, on those occasions I felt awfully insecure, like if someone had ripped my skin off exposing my flesh to the world.

It was in 2009 that I realised for the first time ever that I wanted certainties for my life. I got tired of taking risks and realised that I wanted a ‘safe place to be in the world’. I think I got to that conclusion after realising that I wanted to have kids some day… soon. Last year (2008) I had decided not to have kids at all, but then this year I not only changed my mind about having kids but also my desire to become a mother has taken me over totally. Evidently, it had a lot to do with my relationship with my boyfriend which became more and more solid throughout the year and is founded on a kind of love I had never experienced before.

My patience in 2009 has gone down hill. My temper became shorter and I have got the impression that I am not as indulgent towards others as I used to be. On the other hand, I have become really self-indulgent. I think I have always been a quite hedonistic person but only recently I have allowed myself to just be self-indulgent and nice to myself. I am still far from being my best allied but I can see this very clearly now and am working hard on it.

Professionally wise, 2009 wiped out a few myths I had in relation to my capabilities. I realised that I am not as good as I thought I was, but in contrast, I discovered I am not as bad in certain fields of knowledge as I thought I was either. Thus the outcome of all my unsuccessful dares in 2009 gave me experience and a lot of personal material to think about. The question “what is missing?” came to my mind many times this year. I could make a list of the things that I lack of professionally.  Then again, I could also make an even longer list of the attributes I can offer as a professional. To realise all those things helped me to replace the disappointing feeling that came after every time ‘I almost got there’ or was ‘the second best’ with confidence on my eventual and inevitable success. I know 2010 will bring the right opportunity in the right time and place, and I will not fail.

I discovered in 2009 that I am a very jealous woman. This frightful feeling unveiled a very self-doubting person that I denied for years. This time, however, I decided to face the fact that my jealousy is deeply enrooted in my being, filling every gap left by my corrosive low self-esteem. I suffered a lot because of my jealousy and for not knowing how to heal myself from the pain that once again was being caused by an unmemorable fear of loss. I was helped by my man, in whom I found unconditional support and unrestricted understanding. I was also helped by a friend, that reappeared in my life out of nowhere in the beginning of the year, and is now like my guarding angel.

Friendships… 2009 tested many of my relationships to their foundations. I was too busy to call, to answer calls, to write or reply e-mails, to meet up for chats or to make visits. I was just too busy all the time and could not handle to have the same social life I used to have in the past. Although I have always cherished my friends, I had to sacrifice some of my friendships for the sake of time. Some situations revealed a few relationships to be fake and I came to the end of the year knowing who my true friends are. Oh, and I got some new friends too – what a bliss! I am planning to write all my friends soon to wish them a merry Christmas and a happy 2010, but one of the things I learned in 2009 was that in many occasions my actions did not meet my intentions.

2009 brought me a baby sister: a little person who unfortunately is as dear as unknown to me. I wish I had spent more time with her and had seen her growing up from close. I was sent some pictures and videos of her throughout the year; which strangely made me feel sad for I know I missed out on seeing her developing. I can only hope to see more of her next year, in person.

The first three months of 2009 were marked by a mix of feelings that ranged from profound guilt to absolute joy. Throughout the whole year I had many ups and downs like being on a roller coaster. If I was to wish one wish for 2010 it would be to live a more stable life. I have a good feeling about 2010. If I use all the knowledge I learned in 2009 in the New Year, I will certainly be able to achieve more and to be happier than I have ever been before.

So, Happy New Year And May It Be What Is Best For Us.


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